Barbies of Topeka

This is so funny. I didn't make it up but I had to share!


Mattel recently announced the release of limited-edition Barbie Dolls for the Topeka area market:

"Lake Sherwood Barbie"
This Princess Barbie is only sold at Westridge Mall.  Comes with an assortment of Kate Spade Handbags, Lexus SUV, long-haired foreign dog named Honey and cookie-cutter house.  Available with or without tummy tuck and face lift.  Workaholic Ken sold only in conjunction with the augmented version.

" Potwin Barbie"
Modern Day Homemaker Barbie is available with Ford WindStar Minivan and matching gym outfit.  Gets lost easily and has no full-time occupation.
Traffic jamming cell phone sold separately.

"Dirty South Barbie"
Recently Paroled Barbie comes with 9mm handgun, Ray Lewis knife, Chevy with dark-tinted windows, and Meth Lab Kit.  Model only available after dark and must be paid for in cash (preferably small, untraceable bills).

"Clarion Woods Barbie"
Yuppie Barbie comes with your choice of BMW convertible or Hummer H2. Included are her own Starbucks cup, American Express card and country club membership.  Also available for this set are Shallow Ken and Private School Skipper.
 You won't be able to afford any of them.

"Carbondale Barbie"
This pale model comes dressed in her own Wrangler jeans two sizes too small, NASCAR T-shirt and Tweety Bird tattoo on her shoulder.  Accessories include six-pack of Bud Light and Hank Williams Jr. CD set.  Doll can spit over 5 feet and kick Mullet-Haired Ken's butt when drunk.  Pickup truck sold separately and get a Confederate flag bumper sticker absolutely free!

"The College Hill Barbie"
This collagen-injected, rhinoplastic Barbie wears a leopard print outfit and drinks Cosmopolitans while entertaining friends.  Percocet prescription available, as well as a warehouse conversion condo.

"North Topeka Barbie"
This tobacco-chewing, brassy-haired Barbie has a pair of her own high-heeled sandals with one broken heel from the time she chased Beer-Gutted Ken out of Montara Barbie's house.  Ensemble includes low-rise acid-washed jeans, fake fingernails, and see-through halter-top.  Also available with a mobile home.

" Downtown Barbie"
This doll is made of actual tofu.  She has long straight brown hair, archless feet, hairy armpits, no makeup and Birkenstocks with white socks. She prefers that you call her Willow .  She does not want or need a Ken doll, but if you purchase two Barbie’s and the optional Subaru wagon, you get a rainbow flag bumper sticker for free.

" Montara Barbie"
This classic Barbie now comes with a stroller and infant doll.  Optional accessories include a GED and bus pass.  Gangsta Ken and his 1979 Caddy were available, but are now very difficult to find since the addition of the infant.

 “Hayden High School Mom Barbie"
She's perfect in every way.  We don't know where Ken is because he's always hunting or fishing.

" Gage Park Barbie/Ken"
This versatile doll can be easily converted from Barbie to Ken by simply adding or subtracting the multiple snap-on parts.
 

what's your band name?

1 - Go to wikipedia and hit random. The first random wikipedia article you get is the name of your band. 2 - Go to quotationspage.com and hit random. The last four or five words of the very last quote of the page is the title of your first album. 3 - Go to flickr and click on “explore the last seven days”. Third picture no matter what it is, will be your album cover. 4 - Use picnik.com to put it all together.

yum

Liam tries green beans!

Liam's book

Click here to view this photo book larger

First Trick or Treat

IMG_8441
Originally uploaded by mypbandj.

Today I took Liam to his first Parents as Teachers playgroup. The kids were to play first then do some Trick or Treating though the elementary school. Maeve attends 5th grade there and she knew we were coming. She kept telling me what class she was in so we'd come see her.

Well, we got there early and I let Liam play in the infant section. They have a really cool foam pit that has textures, colors and mirrors. At first I held him as he stood next to it. He must have felt big because he was screeching like no other. Then I put him on his tummy in it. Some lady gave him a toy to look at and he got excited and pushed himself up on his hands and knees!!! Omg - he's too little. He's my baby. So I picked him up. Enough of that toy! lol

Then it was time for Trick or Treating and I felt kinda dumb. Like he's really gonna eat the candy! But I thought Maeve would want to see him and I didn't want to disappoint her.

We went around the school to the office, the library and the cafeteria. We weren't going to visit Maeve's room but we did pass it. So I stopped at the window and waved.

Maeve just stared at me. I held Liam up. "trick or treat! Look! It's your brother!". I must of been smiling and waving like a lunatic because she's looking at me like a deer in headlights. Her eyes are big and she's kinda shaking her head "no."

LOL I guess she didn't want to see us after all. I can't wait till she gets home to ask her. In the meantime, I'm enjoying Liam's candy!!

Brothers

Brennen (13 years) & Liam (13 weeks).

webcam

What day were you born on?

The kids wanted to know which day of the week they were born on. Brennen was born on a Thursday and Maeve was born on a Wednesday.

It reminded me of the old nursery rhyme:

Monday's child is fair of face,
Tuesday's child is full of grace,
Wednesday's child is full of woe,
Thursday's child has far to go.
Friday's child is loving and giving,
Saturday's child works hard for a living,
But the child born on the Sabbath Day,
Is bonny and blithe and good and gay.

So Brennen asks: What exactly does it mean to be full of woe?

Maeve explains: It means that those kids are surprised a lot - they're like, "WHOA!"

I think I love drugs!

WARNING: I am on drugs as I type - I cannot be resposnible for revealing any deep, dark secrets.

I had to get my wisdom teeth out, I've been putting it off for way too long. Having switched to good insurance recently was also a helpful persuasion, that and also the on and off again pain I was having with the one impacted tooth.

So I called up the oral surgeon and scheduled the next available appointment. It was about a month before I was going to get in. I let Paul know right away because they require you to bring someone who can both stay during the entire procedure and drive you home. Paul has the craziest schedule I know: He doesn't really even have a choice, the judges tell him when to be in court and then he goes.

So, of course Paul had several court cases already scheduled for the day I had scheduled my surgery. And Paul is a lot like me, he doesn't like to ask anyone else to do his work. Then one day, Paul is in court and the judge is scheduling more cases: He sets it for June 8th. Yes, another court case that will have to be changed or given to someone else to cover on top of the rest of them. Paul pleads to the judge:

PAUL: "Can we please not pick that day? My wife is having her wisdom teeth removed and I already have several other cases that I might have to find someone to cover. I am trying to find a friend to take her though."
JUDGE: "Mr. Shipp. You will not have a friend take your wife to have her wisdom teeth removed, YOU will take your wife."

So, I like to say that he was court ordered to take me. :o)

I had not felt too nervous about the procedure until this morning. We had to be there by 8 a.m. so I didn't have much time to think about it, we just got up and went. The closer we got, the more nauseous I felt.

We arrived right on time and after checking in, they called me right back. I think I was mostly afraid of the anesthesia. Afraid it wouldn't work. If I had woken up in the middle of it, I would have freaked out!

They attached the blood pressure cuff and the oxygen saturation sensor. The doctor came in and started my IV. He had to use a type of brace around it to be sure it wouldn't be ripped out.

Then, he administered a drug through the IV. (Usually, I am pretty nosy and want to know EVERYTHING. I will ask things like: what is that? what is it for? what does it do? why are you using it? what happens next, etc - but I was way too nervous. I didn't want to talk at all). The doctor tells me that I will start to feel sleeping and I will feel like I can't focus anymore. The nurse starts to lay my chair back and I start to feel the effect of the drugs instantly. I felt dizziness and my vision was blurry. I decided to just shut my eyes and not fight it. I remember wishing that I could to go to sleep.

Next, I heard - wake up, Jennifer. I was done! That was so awesome. I don't remember ANYTHING and that's just how I wanted it to be.

I couldn't open my eyes. Paul said that I was just moving my eyebrows up and down. The room was so bright and I had to force my eyes open for one second. I could barely move. I was like a sloth getting into the wheelchair. They took me to my car and it was so cold that I quickly covered myself with a towel (I brought it just in case I started puking).

We came home and Paul gave me Sonic ice cream to eat while he picked up my drugs. They gave me oxycodone and propoxypene. I started with the oxycodone and that just knocked me out! I slept on the couch all day. After several doses of medication, I don't feel any pain at all. I hope that trend continues!!

I don't have any energy to get up and move around so I'm hanging out on the couch with my laptop, blackberry, remotes for the tv, home phone and wiener dog. Here's hoping that tomorrow is only better.

What a Day!!

The day started out pretty well. I picked up O so that I could take him and Maeve to camp. We were a few minutes late - no biggie. Then Brennen and I headed off to work. We were interviewing for an open position but knew I'd be back by 2:30 to pick up O and Maeve.
My office is 30 minutes from my home. I like to take HWY 40 home because it's the quickest and most direct route. I'm often told that I should be avoiding that road b/c it's way to curvy and dangerous - well, what these Kansans don't know is that I'm from VIRGINA and they don't really know the meaning of a curvy road until they've driven in Virgina! I remember when I would drive to work in Virginia that there was a mountain that I had to wind around and slow down to about 10 miles per hour just to stay on the road. And when I did home visits for the hospital, we had to take a 4 wheel drive out to some folks homes b/c the terrain was so bad. HWY 40 is a piece of cake.

Anyway, today my boss and I decided we should leave the office a little early and stop by another site to check it's progress. So we start out and pretty soon I hear something odd going on with my tire. I tried to move over - to see if it was just a spot in the road - but nope, it was my tire. Right next to me is the last gas station for miles, so I pull in. (Had I taken HWY 40 - there would have been NO gas stations....NO stores....NO anything. It's all rural).

By this time, I am SURE that I have a flat tire. I pull over, jump out and check. Yep, it's flat! I call my boss and she pulls over. Luckily she knows the area, so she calls the local garage. The guy is out in 10 minutes. We were all in the convenience store when he arrived. I ran out there to greet him. I felt kinda dumb, I mean - shouldn't I know how to change my own tire? Nope, I don't. Heck, I didn't even know where my spare tire was! (Hey, it's a new car - at least I know now).

So, I'm standing around, just watching this kid change my tire. I'm no help at all. I am pretty much useless watching him single-handedly change my tire for me...I'm serious...he SINGLE-handedly changed my tire. He only had one hand. So, I'm feeling pretty lame since I can't even find my spare tire and here is this guy with one hand - jacking up the car, removing the lug nuts, changing the tire by himself. This guy was awesome!!



I run back inside the convenience store to check what things my kid was trying to purchase. I say something to my boss about the guy changing my tire having only one arm. I thought she might know him (it was a small town). Well I guess you know who was listening because as we are walking back to the car, my son and I have this conversation:

Brennen: (rather loudly) He does have two arms!
Me: BE QUIET!!!
Brennen: but he does have two arms!
Me: Shhh. Don't say that.
Brennen: Why not? I'm only saying something positive. He has two arms, just not two hands.
Me: Can you please stop talking? NOW!

About 10 minuets and $10 later, we were on our way! Really, if I was meant to have a flat tire, I couldn't have asked for it to happen any other way. I'm so glad that I decided to go with my boss to check out that other site. I would have been stranded on HWY 40 with my kid otherwise, not knowing who to call or what to do. I didn't get back in time to get the kids for camp. Thank goodness for friends and cell phones!!

Needless to say, I'm getting new tires tomorrow. I hope they are done quickly b/c I really want to get back into the office tomorrow for the rest of the job interviews.

Maeve's swim team practice was canceled due to lighting/thunder so I took the kids to see UP in 3D instead. It was a nice end to the day.

weekend

Maeve & Jeni

Maeve had her face painted at Chelsea's party.

Girl Scouts

Our first Junior Girl Scout activity: Pottery class at the art museum.

Pools and Poems

Today I took the kids to swim at the YMCA. We were there for 3 hours! On the way home, we all made up poems. Here is a sample of what I heard:

Captain Wart Burger was a man.
Who hit himself with a pan.
He went to the ER.
And got hit by a bar.
And then they gave him a shiny new van.
by Michael


Pumpkin
There once was a cat
Who thought he was fat
He ate a rat
And hit me with a bat
And wore a hat
But he was still fat
And that is that!
by Ashley


I once played tennis with a puck
For some reason it kept crying cluck
I was very confused
But a little amused
To notice I was playing with a duck!
by Brennen


There once was a boy named Blake
Who wanted a big green snake
He bought a frog
Who was on a log
And he didn’t know what to take.
by Maeve


Jericho
Before you come over and ring my bell,
I have a secret that I should tell.
You'll hear barking, vicious and mean,
the loudest little dog, you've ever seen.
When you sit on the couch, she'll jump in your lap,
and before you know it, she'll be taking a nap.
You'll end of friends, but start out foe,
That's how it works with my Jericho
by Jen

Summer Reading Kickoff

Dentist

Maeve had a dentist appointment today. Here she is looking like a superstar with her sunglasses on!After having her teeth cleaned with cookie dough flavored paste, she was allowed to pick out a pencil. She also left with 1 new toothbrush, 2 dinosaur flossers, princess toothpastes, 1 bouncy ball, 1 sticky-slimy-throwing-picking things up type thingy, 2 stickers, and a small beaded change purse thingy. She also was given a certificate to show her orthodontist that she had her teeth cleaned. That is good for a few wooden nickles which she can later cash in for either a goofy pen, t-shirt or movie pass.

May

It's not over yet...but it has been a BUSY month!

Maeve bridged up from Brownies to Junior Girl Scouts. Guess who is gonna be the new leader??
Then there was my 13 year wedding anniversary, Maeve's birthday and Mother's Day, all within the same week. Actually, the last two were on the same day. Maeve and I were hoping to enjoy that day more but neither of us were feeling that great. She had a fever and my wisdom teeth were killing me (those are coming out btw - but that's another story).

The day after Maeve's birthday/Mother's Day I had a final exam at 7:30 in the morning. I assume that I did well on it but I'm STILL WAITING for the grades to be posted. Geez, how long does it take?? At least twice a day, I am on blackboard checking to see if my grades are posted, each time I am just SURE they will be there. Well, I'm still waiting.

Then there was the last week of school for the kids and all the festivities that go along with it, field day, pool parties, end of the year parties, etc.For Memorial Day weekend, we went to the lake in Manhattan. Maeve learned how to ride a bike and I'm not sure who was more excited, her or me. So for the rest of the weekend the kids rode their bikes around the neighborhood.

Even the dogs had a good time!

Mother's Day

My favorite thing about mother's day is receiving handmade cards from the kids. This year, Maeve wrote me a poem:

Awesome
Butiful
Cute
Dorible
Emzing
Fantastic
Great
Happy

I think this little poem is pretty "dorible" if you ask me.

Brennen's Brain

The kids are taking standardized tests this week at school, the Metropolitan Achievement Test or MAT 8. We have to make sure that the kids have plenty of rest and a good breakfast so that they can concentrate during testing.

Today I surprised the kids at school by bringing them a special lunch. Brennen loves Subway subs and Maeve had a quesadilla from Chipotle. As we were eating lunch together, Brennen announces to me that he has thought of a new math theory. Now, I'm not sure it this constitutes a "theory" and I'm sure it's not "new" either however, it is new to Brennen. Here it is:

If you take any two numbers that are next to each other on the number line (e.g. 4 & 5), then multiply those numbers by the same number -- the difference of the products will equal the number that you used to multiply with!

Here, let me show you an example:

We will use the number 4 & 5.
Multiply each by 7.
The answers are 28 & 35.
The difference between those is 7 (35 - 28 = 7).

Try it! I think it works with any number. Now, I can't tell you how this is actually useful but Brennen claimed to use it during his MAT 8 testing today. I'm just amazed at how that kid's brain works! He can keep coming up with as many math "theories" as he wants to.

Jen needs - a meme

This meme has been popping up on facebook now and then. It's actually been going around the internet for several years now. I finally decided to try it. The funny thing is that I found tons of other "Jen needs" lists...some written as far back as 2005.

So here you go..this is what I need (according to Google).

Here are the directions, in case you want to join in the fun:
Type “[your first name] needs” into Google’s search engine and list the first ten results. Nearly all will be amusing, but you’re supposed to underline the ones that are actually true about you.

1. Jen needs to have a session or two with a therapist.
2. Jen needs rates on 2 scenarios.
3. Jen needs to find a self righteous, conspicuous "I'm better than you" charitable position so she can keep charming the sheep into thinking she matters a rat's ass.
4. Jen needs human anatomy lessons.
5. Jen needs to wise up.
6. Jen needs a muzzle.
7. Jen needs a tech makeover.
8. Jen needs you.
9. Jen needs to use the bathroom.
10. Jen needs a new job.